Breakthrough #1:  Emotion is not  intentional.  This is an idea that I have been aware of for a ling period of time, the idea that emotions are not chosen or selected, but that they demand to be felt.  Emotions are an extremely needy bunch, always craving your attention and clawing for space inside not only your head but also your heart.  Jealousy is one that often claws his way out quite viciously.  Whether conscious or not, he whispers in your ear, coercing you to act in ways you never thought yourself capable of, to harm those you love whether you believe you desire to see them in pain or not.  He buries himself deep within the burrows of your soul, hidden under the layered sediment that is other, lighter emotion.  When you least expect it, he can swell up inside you and roar like the tides, waves of him crashing down and devastating everything in their path.  And after the waters have cleared, what is left of the once balmy sea is left with regret, self hatred, insecurity, guilt, and loneliness.

Occasionally, I may compose passages some might refer to as 'poetic' or 'deep'.  Just to preface, this is not one of those times.  This blog post is preparing to be more of a venting session.  Let the ranting begin--

I'm not sure if any of you have ever experienced anything like this, but today just seemed to be one of those mediocre days, not just for me, but also for everyone around me as well.  First off, my eating disorder slightly complicates home life and causes morning bickering between my mother and I ("S,   can you at least TRY not to measure EVERYTHING?!?  I just want you to be able to eat like a normal person!!"- My mother.)  Once I arrived at school, the day commenced mainly as usual except for the point that one of my best friends had to sit and witness the boy she confessed her liking of him to snogging his girlfriend for everyone to see.  I am well aware that this hurt her greatly and I wish I could do something to help more often with it.  But often all that I can do is sit and nod and attempt to be an understanding friend.  My other friend, on the other hand, ended up confessing her feelings to a guy she truly cares about today, though not on her own accord.  Unfortunately, do to another's meddling actions, she was forced to tell said crush far before she was ready.  This ultimately lead to rejection and a slight, elephant-in-the-room sort of awkwardness.  Again, all that I was able to do was to nod and promise that things would get better...eventually.  I truly hope they do.

The Harsh Mistress

 As a young child, most have an unfailing positivity which is a side effect of the innocence they are born into.  Some children learn quickly that the life situation in which they have been placed does not call for such innocence, while others are not burdened with these worries until they grow much older.  But then, there are those rarities who seem to grow alongside their innocence and allow it to flourish with them rather than having it nipped in the bud, regardless of how they live.  We all strive to be the rarity, to allow time to be children, to dream and imagine even after we have aged far beyond a period of adolescence.  Most of us, however, fail to do so.  We get caught up in life.  Running to appointments and meetings, scheduling every minute of every day, and always replying 'we don't have time', or 'we'll do it some other time, I promise' to any activity which doesn't result in a tangible benefit.  We forget to stop and remember to let our imaginations run wild; we forget to allow ourselves time to enjoy.  And suddenly, we realize that we are old and running out of time.  We've missed our opportunity to live.  When we turn to life and sob, crying out, 'Please, I need more time!  I've wasted your gift, I'm so sorry.', life just thumbs us in the nose and laughs.  Because we have done exactly as we were warned not to, by our elders, by our parents, by our friends.  We have wasted our gift, and life doesn't care.  To her, we are just one more who wasted her gift and is left with regret.

Take your time, 'step lightly' upon this earth.  Because we were built for the earth, the earth was not built for us, and humans have a way of lending themselves to forgetfulness when it comes to that.