Rejection Hurts

Felt the cruel sting of rejection today.  It's not like I didn't see it coming.  The cold shoulders, eyes being rolled my way, the silence in the wake of my jokes.  I felt like an old rag doll, tossed aside in order to make room for newer, better toys.  Being replaced always hurts, there is no getting around it.  But this time was different.....no...no it isn't.  You see, it's different for most people, but not for me.  For me, this is routine.  Each time, I genuinely fool myself into thinking things will be different.  With Sabrina, with Kyla, with Sara, with Madeline, and hell, even with Cheyenne.  Somehow, I indulge the same fallacies, trigger the same trip wires.  I become friends with one and then another, we are all close for awhile, and then somehow the first friendship falls apart.  This time is only different because I didn't lose them both.  C and M will continue to have their little inside jokes, their grins and giggles, which I will just have to learn to stay out of.  And each time I see them laughing without me, I won't lie, it will sting like a knife in the chest.  I'll still have C, but how will I be able to spend time with her while still avoiding M? And there's the paradox.  If M doesn't want me anymore, that's fine.  I care. I won't lie.  She hurt me.  I trusted her, far more than I should have, far more than my instincts told me not to, and I feel as though all that I received was a knife in the back.  C convinced me that it was just a phase, that it wouldn't last forever, and that in a few days, it would all be back to normal.  And now here I am, hating myself for not listening in the first place, and making myself feel like shit.  Anxiety, for once, maybe I shouldn't have doubted you.  Lesson learned, if someone is kind to you but not to others, its only a matter of time...  C says  that both M and I have changed since the beginning of the year, but I don't see very many changes in me.  Am I imagining it? I thought I was the same person.   A part of me just wants to go back to whomever it was that my friends loved before, but the other half knows its in vain.  That I can't change to fit anyone's needs but my own.  Sometimes I wish I were stronger.  She saw my balled up, crying in a corner, like a child.  I didn't want to give her the satisfaction, but hiding emotion has never been something I've been very skilled at.  Let's face it, my eyes tell all.  And this was no exception.  I barely made it out of my classroom in time to hide the sodden stream of tears dripping down my cheeks.  After class, I simply ran.  I ran out as fast as I could and didn't look back.  Pathetic.  Hiding in a corner like a little puppy.  I hate myself.  Who am I anymore? C asked me to think back to when I was younger, and to remember whom I had hoped to become in future years.  She then reminded me that this girl, crying in a corner, was not whom young Shayna had been dreaming about.  So there's my question.  Who do I want to be?  Be yourself is the answer most would give you, but that's never made any sense to me.  No shit Sherlock, who the hell else am I going to be? And C and M both can't stand that they see me as better than them at everything.  But I don't think I am.  Yeah, school, and maybe conservatory.  But Cassie and Madidi are way funnier.  They are both better at appealing to people, they can make anyone like them.  I would die for that.  C likes A and I know he'll like her back.  I know she won't make a move because I liked him first, but like I said, I would die for that.  If I was more like her, he would probably still like me.  I'm so tired of being the anxious nerd in the corner, not sure of what to say or what to do.  But C and M don't see that, because we simply see our own flaws, rarely that of those around us.  And then there is J.  Again, not going to lie, I am a little jealous.  C and J are friends.  C and M are friends.  C and I are friends.  And yet, somehow, we all can't just fit together any longer.  We are like puzzle pieces, but all bent out of shape.  We used to fit together, but due to wear and tear we've all changed at least a tiny bit, but a tiny bit makes a HUGE difference when attempting to assemble the puzzle.  So I am left with two choices, either attempt to alter my shape a bit more, (although as far as M is concerned, I don't think any amount of altercation is going to fit us back together, and frankly I wouldn't trust her anymore regardless) or find some new puzzle pieces to fit with. (C can stay :) We'll see which fork I'll be taking on this road, soon, I presume

I spent the entire weekend just catching up on life.  Life with friends, life with family, life with school, and even life with myself.  Depression is like a ball and chain tethering you to the ground sometimes, but this weekend, it seems a lot lighter than usual.  Cassie is worried that J might have found her blog.  Honestly, I'm worried for her.
Food has been a bit of a challenge today.  I can't eat when I'm hungry like a normal person, I just have to eat constantly, which sucks.
Sometimes, when I look at myself in the mirror, I wish I saw a pretty girl.  I know, that's conceited and shallow, and I love life a lot more than to let beauty getting in the way of me living it, but it just hurts sometimes.  Also, I wish I wasn't so damn nervous.  About everything.  My friends, my school work, my job, my whole life.  And my anti-anxiety medication is fine, but it alters life, of which I'm not a fan.  So sometimes, I just feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
But still, I am glad its gotten better lately...I think it's gotten a lot better.  I think everything has...

So, its not my best work

Today has been what appears to be the beginning of a 'So...its not my BEST work...' weekend.  Have you ever had a few of those tasks that you just feel you can't adequately complete, and it frustrates you deeply?  Well, for me, it appears that my 'So...its not me BEST work...' task might very well be Shakespearian poetry.  This is the first type of poetry I can ever remember writing in which my end result did not exactly instill a confidence in my writing skills for me.  Unfortunately, it seems that at the current moment, there is not much that can be done to rectify this.  Hopefully I'm going to be able to get over it using my favorite method, retail therapy starring Shayna, Cassie, and Madidi.  In addition, I have a history project and a value worksheet to finish.  This should be... an...interesting weekend, to say the least.

Lit & Comp Poem!

A free-verse poem I just finished writing for my Lit & Comp class. Enjoy!

Jealousy

Spark, who fathers Flame, 

Gorges on insecurity.

He spits rumors, lies, and gossip.

Poison smoke clouds the air.    

Ocean Quake, who births Tidal Wave,  

Is felt by no one else.  

But Water will never forget his hate.

Resentment tumbles into destruction. 

From little Seed, out grows Weed. 

Weed parents more seeds, 

And Weed spreads his vicious offspring, 

‘Til Love and friendship are engulfed. 

Breakthrough #1:  Emotion is not  intentional.  This is an idea that I have been aware of for a ling period of time, the idea that emotions are not chosen or selected, but that they demand to be felt.  Emotions are an extremely needy bunch, always craving your attention and clawing for space inside not only your head but also your heart.  Jealousy is one that often claws his way out quite viciously.  Whether conscious or not, he whispers in your ear, coercing you to act in ways you never thought yourself capable of, to harm those you love whether you believe you desire to see them in pain or not.  He buries himself deep within the burrows of your soul, hidden under the layered sediment that is other, lighter emotion.  When you least expect it, he can swell up inside you and roar like the tides, waves of him crashing down and devastating everything in their path.  And after the waters have cleared, what is left of the once balmy sea is left with regret, self hatred, insecurity, guilt, and loneliness.

Occasionally, I may compose passages some might refer to as 'poetic' or 'deep'.  Just to preface, this is not one of those times.  This blog post is preparing to be more of a venting session.  Let the ranting begin--

I'm not sure if any of you have ever experienced anything like this, but today just seemed to be one of those mediocre days, not just for me, but also for everyone around me as well.  First off, my eating disorder slightly complicates home life and causes morning bickering between my mother and I ("S,   can you at least TRY not to measure EVERYTHING?!?  I just want you to be able to eat like a normal person!!"- My mother.)  Once I arrived at school, the day commenced mainly as usual except for the point that one of my best friends had to sit and witness the boy she confessed her liking of him to snogging his girlfriend for everyone to see.  I am well aware that this hurt her greatly and I wish I could do something to help more often with it.  But often all that I can do is sit and nod and attempt to be an understanding friend.  My other friend, on the other hand, ended up confessing her feelings to a guy she truly cares about today, though not on her own accord.  Unfortunately, do to another's meddling actions, she was forced to tell said crush far before she was ready.  This ultimately lead to rejection and a slight, elephant-in-the-room sort of awkwardness.  Again, all that I was able to do was to nod and promise that things would get better...eventually.  I truly hope they do.

The Harsh Mistress

 As a young child, most have an unfailing positivity which is a side effect of the innocence they are born into.  Some children learn quickly that the life situation in which they have been placed does not call for such innocence, while others are not burdened with these worries until they grow much older.  But then, there are those rarities who seem to grow alongside their innocence and allow it to flourish with them rather than having it nipped in the bud, regardless of how they live.  We all strive to be the rarity, to allow time to be children, to dream and imagine even after we have aged far beyond a period of adolescence.  Most of us, however, fail to do so.  We get caught up in life.  Running to appointments and meetings, scheduling every minute of every day, and always replying 'we don't have time', or 'we'll do it some other time, I promise' to any activity which doesn't result in a tangible benefit.  We forget to stop and remember to let our imaginations run wild; we forget to allow ourselves time to enjoy.  And suddenly, we realize that we are old and running out of time.  We've missed our opportunity to live.  When we turn to life and sob, crying out, 'Please, I need more time!  I've wasted your gift, I'm so sorry.', life just thumbs us in the nose and laughs.  Because we have done exactly as we were warned not to, by our elders, by our parents, by our friends.  We have wasted our gift, and life doesn't care.  To her, we are just one more who wasted her gift and is left with regret.

Take your time, 'step lightly' upon this earth.  Because we were built for the earth, the earth was not built for us, and humans have a way of lending themselves to forgetfulness when it comes to that.