Rejection Hurts

Felt the cruel sting of rejection today.  It's not like I didn't see it coming.  The cold shoulders, eyes being rolled my way, the silence in the wake of my jokes.  I felt like an old rag doll, tossed aside in order to make room for newer, better toys.  Being replaced always hurts, there is no getting around it.  But this time was different.....no...no it isn't.  You see, it's different for most people, but not for me.  For me, this is routine.  Each time, I genuinely fool myself into thinking things will be different.  With Sabrina, with Kyla, with Sara, with Madeline, and hell, even with Cheyenne.  Somehow, I indulge the same fallacies, trigger the same trip wires.  I become friends with one and then another, we are all close for awhile, and then somehow the first friendship falls apart.  This time is only different because I didn't lose them both.  C and M will continue to have their little inside jokes, their grins and giggles, which I will just have to learn to stay out of.  And each time I see them laughing without me, I won't lie, it will sting like a knife in the chest.  I'll still have C, but how will I be able to spend time with her while still avoiding M? And there's the paradox.  If M doesn't want me anymore, that's fine.  I care. I won't lie.  She hurt me.  I trusted her, far more than I should have, far more than my instincts told me not to, and I feel as though all that I received was a knife in the back.  C convinced me that it was just a phase, that it wouldn't last forever, and that in a few days, it would all be back to normal.  And now here I am, hating myself for not listening in the first place, and making myself feel like shit.  Anxiety, for once, maybe I shouldn't have doubted you.  Lesson learned, if someone is kind to you but not to others, its only a matter of time...  C says  that both M and I have changed since the beginning of the year, but I don't see very many changes in me.  Am I imagining it? I thought I was the same person.   A part of me just wants to go back to whomever it was that my friends loved before, but the other half knows its in vain.  That I can't change to fit anyone's needs but my own.  Sometimes I wish I were stronger.  She saw my balled up, crying in a corner, like a child.  I didn't want to give her the satisfaction, but hiding emotion has never been something I've been very skilled at.  Let's face it, my eyes tell all.  And this was no exception.  I barely made it out of my classroom in time to hide the sodden stream of tears dripping down my cheeks.  After class, I simply ran.  I ran out as fast as I could and didn't look back.  Pathetic.  Hiding in a corner like a little puppy.  I hate myself.  Who am I anymore? C asked me to think back to when I was younger, and to remember whom I had hoped to become in future years.  She then reminded me that this girl, crying in a corner, was not whom young Shayna had been dreaming about.  So there's my question.  Who do I want to be?  Be yourself is the answer most would give you, but that's never made any sense to me.  No shit Sherlock, who the hell else am I going to be? And C and M both can't stand that they see me as better than them at everything.  But I don't think I am.  Yeah, school, and maybe conservatory.  But Cassie and Madidi are way funnier.  They are both better at appealing to people, they can make anyone like them.  I would die for that.  C likes A and I know he'll like her back.  I know she won't make a move because I liked him first, but like I said, I would die for that.  If I was more like her, he would probably still like me.  I'm so tired of being the anxious nerd in the corner, not sure of what to say or what to do.  But C and M don't see that, because we simply see our own flaws, rarely that of those around us.  And then there is J.  Again, not going to lie, I am a little jealous.  C and J are friends.  C and M are friends.  C and I are friends.  And yet, somehow, we all can't just fit together any longer.  We are like puzzle pieces, but all bent out of shape.  We used to fit together, but due to wear and tear we've all changed at least a tiny bit, but a tiny bit makes a HUGE difference when attempting to assemble the puzzle.  So I am left with two choices, either attempt to alter my shape a bit more, (although as far as M is concerned, I don't think any amount of altercation is going to fit us back together, and frankly I wouldn't trust her anymore regardless) or find some new puzzle pieces to fit with. (C can stay :) We'll see which fork I'll be taking on this road, soon, I presume